A Horsy Wife is:
A sentimental fool. Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
Easy to locate. She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
Upholds the double standard. Smooches with the most be-whiskered beast, but recoils when you need a shave.
Owns one vacuum cleaner and operates it exclusively in the barn.
A social butterfly, providing the party is given by another horsy
wife. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
Economy minded. Won't waste your money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
A culinary perfectionist. Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies your dinner in the microwave.
Occasionally amorous, but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, a slight trace of chapstick.
Easy to outfit. No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. You can find all she wears at your local tack store.
Features a selective sense of smell. Bitterly complains about your sticky-sweet cigar smoke while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
Unmistakable in a bathing suit. She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists.
A dedicated club woman, as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in it's name.
Has your leisure at heart. Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture (which, in turn, converts itself into mud.)
A master at multiplication. She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
Keeps an eagle eye on the budget. Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars, but croaks when you blow ten on a tie.
An engaging conversationalist. Can rattle on endlessly about training and the pros and cons of castration.
Socially aware. Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
A moving force in the family. House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
Easy to please. A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
Shows her affection in unusual ways. If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you!
Glossary of Horse Terms
Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.
Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big trail ride.
A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.
Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.
Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.
Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.
Well Mannered: Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.
Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.
Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.
Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.
Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.
Colic: Gastro-intestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.
Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.
Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.
Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.
Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able".
Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.
Hives: What you get when you receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.
Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.
Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.
Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.
Light Cribber: We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.
Three Gaited Horse: A horse that… 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.
