Hi folks, Charlie Horse here.

Last month we ran some horse humor items and they were fun. I have had several requests to continue with some more. It is true, laughter is the best medicine, so here's hoping this will cure a lot of horses and humans alike!

To start off with, here is a quote I found:

"I guess horse people don't go by the rules of common sense ... only horse sense ... and I'd rather have the horse sense! Too much common sense ... and you can't let a horse get into your heart. After that happens, you are never the same ... and nobody can understand except horses and horse-people. I wish I could find a banker with horse sense."

Paul Mattson.

Murphy's Horse Laws

1. There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
2. No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
3. The least useful horse in you barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
4. A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching. (We are clowns at heart!)
5. Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn.
6. Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.
7. Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you. (See, I told you so!)
8. Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped.
9. If you approach within fifty feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty.
10. The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn.
11. Your barn will fall down without baling twine.
12. Hoof picks always run a way from home.
13. If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
14. If you are winning, quit! There is only one way to go. Down!

All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From My Horse

1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
2. You can never have too many treats.
3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
10. Eat plenty of roughage.
11. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
12. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
13. In times of crisis, take a poop.
14. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
15. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
16. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
17. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.

Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the extremely sensitive tissues of the mouth.
Bucking: Counterirritant.
Crossties: Gymnastic apparatus.
Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing.
Grain: Sole virtue of domestication.
Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength.
Horse trailer: Mobile cave bear den.
Jump: An opportunity for self-expression.
Latch: Type of puzzle.
Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding.
Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds.
Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
Trainer: Owner with mob connections.
Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture.

My wife has a Quarter Horse, with shortened mane and extra long tail. She thinks he is the finest thing that ever jogged a rail. She calls him Dandy Darling, and if the truth I tell, That fancy pampered Quarter Horse has made my life pure hell!

wife she used to cook for me and serve it with champagne. But now she'd rather feed that horse and fix him special grain! She rides him every morning, and grooms him half the night. And the last time that she kissed ME, was just to be polite!

He dresses better than I do, with matching wraps and ties. My wardrobe's so neglected now, that I attract the flies! One day my wife was shopping, she was way down at the mall. And fancy, pampered DANDY was just a standing in his stall.

He looked so smug and sassy, that I began to grin. I'd saddle that fat sucker up, and take him for a spin!! I've wondered since if the cues I gave, he may have misconstrued. Cause when I climbed aboard that horse, he rightly came UNGLUED!!!!

He bucked and spun, and snorted fire, then threw me through a fence! I saw big stars and there are 6 teeth, that I ain't heard from since! My wife came home and saw me, just a lying in the dirt. She rushed up to her HORSE and asked him, "Sweetheart are you HURT?"

He'd scratched his nose a little bit, and the memory galls me yet...... She left me lying in the mud, and ran to call the VET!!!

~Author Unknown~

Top Ten Exerecises to Become a Better Horseman

10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."
4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is ..."
1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money.

The Beginning of the End. . .

A friend gives you a horse...
You build a small shelter...$750
You fence in a paddock...$450
Purchase small truck to haul hay...$12,000
Purchase a 2 horse trailer...$2,800
Purchase 2nd horse...$2,500
Build larger shelter with storage...$2,000
More fencing...$1,200
Purchase 3rd horse...$3,000
Purchase 4 horse trailer...$17,500
Purchase larger truck...$23,000
Purchase 4 acres next door...$38,000
More fencing...$2,000
Build small barn...$18,000
Purchase camper for truck...$9,000
Purchase tractor...$23,000 Purchase 4th & 5th horse...$6,500
Purchase 20 acres...$285,000
Build house...$185,000
Build barn...$56,000
More fencing & corrals...$24,000
Build covered arena...$182,000
Purchase Dually...$44,000
Purchase gooseneck w/living quarters...$45,000
Purchase 6th, 7th & 8th horse...$10,750
Hire full time trainer...$50,000
Build house for trainer...$84,000
Buy motor home for shows...$125,000
Hire attorney -- spouse leaving you for trainer...$35,000
Declare bankruptcy, spouse gets everything.
Friend feels sorry for you...gives you a horse.....

Until next time,
Charlie Horse : - )